- The other day, Joel found an old video of Elias and Danny playing cereal box hockey, with sticks from the yard, on the kitchen tile. Danny’s vivacious, fun personality completely displayed in the video, while Elias kept saying, “Dad, who are you going for?” Elias was 4 in this video. It is heart-wrenching to think, there won’t be any more memories for Elias, when he is 9, 14, 25…with Danny…
Tom Attig shares from his book, The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love.
He shares, “how grieving is a journey that teaches us how to love in a new way, now that our loved one is no longer with us. Consciously, remembering those who have died, is the key that opens our hearts, that allows us to love them in new ways.”
So with a knot in my throat and tears welling up in my eyes, I watched the video of Danny and Elias…trying to celebrate the memory, while letting my heart grieve the knowing of his being gone, and the grasping toward learning how to love him, in his absence.
One of my best friends Tara, lost her young daughter also to death, when she fell out of a tree. She and I share life together, thanks to technology and the app Marco Polo, since she doesn’t live locally to me.
It’s just so facinating to me that time has no concern for loss. It just keeps trecking on, and forcing us forward. She shared with me an article that talked about “7 things I’ve learned Since the Loss of my child.”
Angela Miller, the author shares about 1. how there will never come a time that you stop loving your child. 2. Or the bonds that bereaved parents share. 3. how grieving of your child will last a lifetime. 4. How no one signs up to be in the bereaved parents club, but now that you are, how you can’t leave, and coming to acceptance of this. She talks about the comfort of other parents in it, who she refers to as shining souls. 5. She talks about all of the empty spaces of normal living, like chairs, family pictures, holidays, vacations… where you will always miss your loved one. 6. And therefore, how we rightly miss them forever! 7. How in knowing deep sorrow… unspeakable joy also flows. I like how she talks about the balance of these both, because personally I have realized that I do have good days, and make new memories and feel joy…while the same day, I may cry in the memory of missing Danny.
This article helped Tara and I, may it also help you… if heartbreakingly, you have also lost a child. I am so, so sorry for your loss!
Sarah Bessey’s “In Which I am Learning to Live with the Ache” Grief and Loss Excerpt:
“I don’t know that we ever loose that ache. I don’t know that we ever get rid of it. I don’t know if we should. Maybe it is meant to be with us. I am learning to let it be there, part of me, probably always a part of me, without justification or change of circumstance.
The ache reminds me of the great and terrible beauty I have seen, of what love I have experienced. Of the sorrow and brokenness of loss, of all the love that is still here, of the wonder and miracle of life.
The ache changes and grows as we move through the years, I imagine perhaps in proportion to the life we live, the love we gather and give.
I know we like to pretend we can have everything all at once. It’s a nice illusion. But there are transitions in our lives: time for certain seasons and times when those seasons end.
Are we happier for pretending we can have everything anytime we like? Or are we better when we acknowledge the end of one chapter of our lives, grieve and sing and give weight to the passing of it and move forward? To everything there is a season.
It’s simply the ache of time passing, because this is what time does, and our souls are noticing the passing of a season, and its okay. Its okay to let it ache. It means we are living, and it means we are loving it enough to notice a transition away.
I am making peace with the ache, holding a bit of space for its presence in my life today. Someday it may be my old friend.”
It’s only been 6 months, since we lost Danny. I can’t imagine the ache being my old friend. Tara tells me it does begin to come, slowly but surely (her daughter Hosanna has been gone 7 years). She would be 14 this year. I do appreciate noticing as it changes, and like to use this Blob Tree below to find my grief stance of the moment.
I also like this handout on the Tangled ‘ball’ of emotions . In grief, its so important to notice and acknowledge what emotions you are feeling.
I had the pleasure of hearing H. Norman Wright speak: Here I will share about how he gives advice on how we can help others with their grief:
“Listen with your eyes, listen with your ears, listen with your heart. Non verbal is 55% of the process. Also be aware of your tone of voice. Work to keep it calm, and kind. Keep building relationship with them, remember you are their hope, their connection to life… living…mirror neurons of feeling, felt and connected to. Allow them to tell their story and talk about what they are experiencing. Your listening helps them face their loss, and not feel quite so alone in the process. Let them share their thoughts, the inner workings of their mind as they attempt to make sense of their grief. Remember they need you in the early stages, middle, and down the road.”
I’ll never forget being in my office with a client when two police officers knocked on my door, and asked for me by name. Thankfully, they were wise enough to have me step into a private place. The walk down the hall was torture. I just knew something was not right. I recognized one of the policeman as a childhood friend. This was comforting. They told me Danny was gone and gave me their contact info. They had tried all morning to locate Joel or Danny’s mom, but had located me first. It was my job then to call Joel, and then to call Danny’s mom.
Oh the agony, on the other end of the phone… both times!
Moments of Connection following Danny’s Death:
My brother Logan, stopped by our house, the day we learned Danny was gone, late after his work…even though he lives an hour away… offering his presence, a hug, a listening ear. My dad also stopped by too. My mom and siblings and Joel’s siblings all called. Joel’s brother Danny, just let Joel talk and talk on the phone about his son Danny. Joel’s brother Stu went with him to get Danny’s things, and help partner with the funeral home to care for Danny’s body. Joel’s sister Margaret and husband Bob flew out here from back east for the ceremony. (Thank you Brian and Linda for sharing your travel miles with them). Dave, thank you for coming over for dinner…a few days following…to eat with us and watch a movie with us…being with us…in our attempt to function, in our world altered forever! Our aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. The phone calls, the messages, from far and wide, the hugs, the shared tears…
I purchased thank you cards. I got some of them written, but got interrupted…and never completed them all! I’m learning to lean into grace, and accept it from myself and others. I’m going to choose to trust that people know, how much we appreciated all of their love and support, during this time!
My cousin Russ: his girlfriend Heather, and his boys traveling from out of town to be with us at the funeral. We have lots of fun memories of eating terrible things, playing cards, and talking Philosphy into the night, with Danny and you, by our side. We all know how intelligent, and philosophical Danny was, and you were able to keep Danny’s mind stimulated, Russ. Very impressive!
Uncle Philip and Aunt Judy: For always loving us, even if we can’t talk taxes together. Ha! Thanks for taking Rachel home that one day for me, so I could manage what needed to be done for Danny’s funeral arrangements. Thanks also for leaving costco ribs in the freezer, and sharing your “secret” ways to cook them to perfection. We love you guys so much, and are so sorry for Aunt Judy’s MS illness, and the toll it must take on you guys.
Our friends, Ismo and Christina: always have an open door policy for us in their home. Being with them, feels like being with family. We have spent endless moments in their home, before and especially since. We feel completely welcome! They cook for us, pamper us, listen to us, encourage us… Letting Elias hang and play with their kiddos; offering Joel and I time away together.
My friend Tricia: She’s found my number, and periodically messages me on facebook, brought me meals in the beginning, and just the other day, shared a story of one of her sons remembering Danny’s funeral, even though he didn’t even know Danny when he was alive.
Or friend’s Ben and Angie: Angie has her own agonizing grief and loss with her mom’s death, she and Ben for their sister-in-law, and currently experiencing stress with her little brothers health. She and Ben hosted us right after Danny died…they live very close to the Oregon coast. They didn’t question our desire to just sit all day on the beach, watching the crashing waves, feeling God’s closeness in the crashing, salty water… rising and receding… just like our grief…like our salty tears.
Camille (my college roomie) and her mom Pam: traveled from afar to be with us during our loss. Meeting me for coffee, the morning of the funeral, giving me sweet cards of remembrance and condolence. Just listening to the journey I was on in my grief. Camille being no stranger to loosing children of her own. Their warm hugs and presence, so meaningful to me during this time.
Tara: my dear friend, I mentioned above who lost her daughter at 7 years old. She detoured on her already, long drive home (after Danny’s funeral) to leave a frozen lasagna in our freezer, for a meal later.
Robin and Bryce: and their 3 boys enduring a car ride, and hotel costs to be with us. Getting to the balloon release a little late…due to Yokes Market malfunctioning helium tank…nonetheless persevering to bring glowing balloons, in honor of Danny’s bright, charismatic self.
Tami Sue: my childhood friend, unfortunately had just been in the area two months previous, due to her mom’s sudden illness and death. Therefore, she couldn’t make the trip again to the northwest from the east, for Danny’s funeral. She and my relationship started as babies connecting and playing dolls as farmers daughters. These days, we now connect via technology…often late in the night, when one of us can’t sleep, as connecting with those still here, can be comforting when remembering, those we have lost.
My other best friend, Tami from childhood: Boy, have we been through a lot together in our life-time. Practically, every Sunday night our childhood held playing Rook Cards with our families. These days, we stay connected as often as our busy lives will allow. Our sons are the same age, and just like us, they regularly create shared adventures together. Our families have established a tradition of bringing in the new year together. Here’s to 2019 New Years celebration!!! Creating new memories, while holding space for Danny too.
My other college bestie Elania: She has always been my writing inspiration! I’m so grateful we have stayed connected throughout the years. Can you believe it’s almost been 20 years since we started college? Thank you for your listening ear, through all of this, and your presence in my life then, now, and into the future. I love gleening from your wise self.
Natalie and her mom: Our friends who we always caroled to at Christmas time. It’s going to be sad this year, isn’t it, not to have Danny in the ensemble. Thanks for letting me attempt to beat you at Rook every month, when we get together for lunch. Your consistency and love, over the years, and now, mean so much.
My colleague Erin: took the initiative to set up a meal train for us, right after Danny died. This allowed us space to grieve, saving our energy for this, rather than having to take time and money to feed ourselves.
This was such a helpful thing for a few reasons:
- Healthy nutritious meals made to order: no prepping, just eating!
- One on one listening from people that love you and care about you, when they dropped the meals off to us.
- Realizing the magnitude of people around you and for you, that love and care about you.
- The meeting of new people you never knew before, that link in and join your circle of people, who love and care about you. Thank you to everyone who took time out of your own busy lives, to bring us a meal and a listening ear!!!
I’ll never forget love: finding the fresh cut Iris bouquets left by our neighbor Kim, for Danny’s spreading of ashes funeral. Our friends and neighbors Sharon and Gregg (who know loss of a son well, as their son, Danny’s age, died just months previous too) left their cooler of cold water for all people who came to help us prepare our property for the ceremony (please forgive me for not naming you, in fear I would miss someone. You know who you are, and I see every-one-of-you in my minds eye, working away in our garden, pulling Joel and my weeds, doing our yard work. Responsibilities not yours, but ones we needed help doing. What a gift of your time and energy and love…thank you from the bottom of our hearts!!!). I still remember my friend Emily’s embrace, reminding me it’s ok to not have it all together…this is very hard for me…but in that moment, I knew I couldn’t, so I just accepted her embrace, and will forever be grateful for her grace in that moment.
My friend and colleague Sue: who admires my green thumb, even though she doesn’t have one herself (and would readily admit this)…gave me house plants, of which I have now transplanted, and have in pots around my house of greenery and life. Or my friend Sarah, who dropped flower baskets for the funeral day, that are still blooming at my property, although I realize winter will take them away soon. Reminders of changing seasons of growth and death.
My psychologist friend Jessica: Checking in with me often, after Danny’s death. She is no stranger to understanding the debilitating impact mental illness can have on a son. Thank you for your yummy food, and consistent contact with me.
My counselor friends: Brenda: who I am forever indebted to for facilitating me in learning internal family systems. I couldn’t have written this blog in this way, without your mentorship. Amy: for your walks and wisdom, and ideas on how to coach Elias on how to tell his friends, what happened to his brother. “My brother lost his fight with an illness.” Helping Elias know he can speak his truth, while also holding some things private. Also, honoring the delicate, complicatedness of telling children about suicide. Lara: who couldn’t come to the funeral, due to her son’s mental health crisis. We are so much more connected to each other in our joys and sorrows, than we often realize. We need to get our coffee date on the calendar to catch up!
Jennifer and Jessie: friends from church, and also Jennifer is Elias’s counselor at school. It meant the world to me to have you so intentional and available, for Elias re-entry back to school, after his sudden transition from 2 brothers, to 1. Thank you for being there for him! It helped a lot to know he had/has your support, while Joel and I adjust/ed to the return of our normal routines. Jessie: Joel really appreciates his talks with you! Thanks for being there for him.
Beth: my sister-in-law Justine’s mom, who delivered a beautiful bouquet of flowers and yummy home-made scones, with a sweet card, a few months after the event…wisely understanding how grief keeps going, just like life, and being visited periodically with moments of love and connection, regarding the loss are very helpful in the journey.
Thank you to my Life Church, and Bethel church for all of your help organizing and leading Danny’s celebration of life services. My parents church, who immediately put us on a prayer chain and brought us food and flowers, the moment they heard Danny had died.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts to all of you who came out and connected with us during this time, in whatever role you may have found yourself in.
To my family, Joel’s family, our church family, friends, friends not spoken to for awhile, even friends and family of family and friends, our neighbors, our colleagues, Elias sweet nanny Stephanie and her beautiful family, Danny’s colleagues and friends (Preston…), his extended family on his mom’s side (strangers to me, but connected to each other due to our love of Danny).
Every single one of you were noticed!!! Thank you. We saw beauty, through your presence with us…even while in our deepest, sadness of loss. And this beauty… it is held in our hearts to this day.
