So, just a heads up… this particular blog post is more like a short book! I have been working on this writing, for a couple of years now. Therefore, it’s quite long! I’m just sayin!
Might I offer, some suggestions to you?
- You can wrap up in a fuzzy, blanket, in front of a warm, crackling fire, with your favorite warm drink… and settle down for awhile…
- Or you can open and close this post at your leisure: marking the spot, and returning, as your time allows…
- You can skim it, and look at all the pretty pictures, and quotes I have highlighted…
- Just click on the links, in this particular blog, and enjoy the music, media, and other writer’s notes…
- Open your heart, and turn your mind toward this “therapists recounting,” and send her some love and compassion, in this grief and loss journey she is on…
- Do none, or some, or all of the above! You know youself, BEST! Listen in…whatever choice you make…I sincerely wish YOU, the very best!
~April, 2018~
As a mental health therapist, I enjoy going to conferences to build my emotional intelligence and also spirituality. My church has offered a Zoe Women’s conference now for the last two years and I have had the privilege of attending both times.
Sitting down to write, and reading a journal entry
from last months conference: I wrote twice, “you were meant to write, you were meant to write.” During the conference, I had noticed a cyst growing on my right wrist. I touched it, and asked God if He would heal it immediately. I really like when I get what I want, right when I ask. Just ask Joel… The cyst didn’t recede!
Sometimes things need to happen slowly. Sometimes things need to be different enough than what we know, or believe we want…uncomfortable to capture our attention. Not to bring pain, but to bring awareness. Feeling the cyst on my right arm reminded me of God’s gift to me of writing. A reminder of what God birthed in me as a young girl, and all through my life since (thank you mom and dad for signing me up for the young writers club, and getting me a professional coach).
God saying, this cyst is not to bring you pain, its to remind you of your gift to write. Now is the time to share your writing. You see, I started this article last year, but never created space in my schedule to finish it. Now at the conference, I had a sense within me that once I began writing, the cyst would be healed.
So I sit, a month later, writing… and Joel sits beside me. I pull out my notes and am reminded of the cyst. I actually had literally forgotten about it, until I read this entry. So I felt my arm, and noticed the cyst had grown. I relayed this story to Joel, and he said, “I’ll pray for it now.”
Honestly, I didn’t even hear what he was praying, just felt his touch on me… because I was writing. Both Joel and I have struggled with miraculous healings, because they don’t exactly seem to happen for us.
We normally wait, and see our body heal along the way at the numerous doctor appointments, specialists, medication and supplement taking, moving of our bodies in exercise, connecting our minds to our bodies with mental exercises, deep breathing, singing, dancing…and sometimes people die (Joel’s mom and dad, my grandparents, Joel’s sister-In-law, to name a few, that come to mind).
But guess what, today for whatever reason God decided to miraculously heal my cyst. Not while in church, not prayed for by a pastor or someone gifted with supernatural healing and anointing with oil (don’t get me wrong, these spaces are amazing as well)…He used my husband spontaneously praying for me on our property…while I was distracted writing about my cyst. I didn’t even immediately check my cyst.
I had forgotten to have Joel feel it first, before he prayed, so he could see the difference. It was hard to believe! I felt my wrist extra long looking for the cyst. To protect myself from the disappointment when and if it returned, or I felt it again. Joel started crying lifting his eyes and hand to the sky and said… “I’ll take the miracle right now, I receive it. Thank you.”
In Daniel 3:16-18, the Bible talks about the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, during the time that they were thrown into the blazing fiery furnace by King Nebuchadnezzar, when they wouldn’t worship his gods, “the God whom we serve is able to save us. But even if he doesn’t, we will still serve Him.” Joel and I really like that verse; it resonates with us, because we know even when life happenings don’t go the way we would like, we serve a God who is able to sustain or save us, which ever way it may be.
You see, Joel and I are here together… on our beautiful garden property… because Danny just died.
It’s our anniversary weekend and we had planned on being with family and friends for the Memorial Day weekend. Instead, we are here exhausted from our grief, just wanting to be alone: with each other, our memories, and Danny’s music!
Elias is with his cousin Jonah and other friends, because that’s what happens when tragedy strikes. You realize the love and connection of so many family and friends who would do anything for you to try and minimize the pain.
Barbara Brown Taylors said in her book, Learning to Walk in the Dark:
“Speak the truth of what’s happening. Not the truth you wish was real. Not the truth that ought to be. Not the platitudes or time worn cliches to minimize grief. Just sit with them. Sometimes there is nothing to say…just sit with the sadness.”
Elias is 8 years old, and no one would wish any 8 year old to have to be told their 23 year old brother had so much sadness and angst within his body and mind, that he didn’t want to be here anymore. “I just don’t understand why Danny didn’t feel happy, cause he was so funny.”
It’s really hard to express how deeply felt and debilitating major depression, mixed with anxiety, from a brain impacted by the autism spectrum can be! Different than sadness from life circumstances not going your way, or feeling worried about every day life happenings. It can have a tendency to stay and not let up. Feel like a literal punch to the gut, but the gut pain doesn’t go away after the impact. (Although, I would like to clarify…everyone’s experience and everyone’s struggles matter and comparing as far as better or worse is not what I would mean to convey here. Rather that there can be a continuum of severity of symptoms and many factors of how that impacts individuals).
Joel, Elias and I were walking through the arboretum Danny shared with Joel and Elias not long ago…carrying his ashes, looking for places to 
sprinkle some of his remains…really for us now, in the coming days, weeks, months, years ahead, versus for him…Elias so eloquently in his little boy self once said, “babies come from God and dust.” Danny’s body is dust now. And to God we believe his soul rests!
Danny is quoted as saying, “everything is so confusing, and painful, and it’s always been like that.”
He is no longer in need of his earthy body to carry him anymore. Not sure what carries his soul right now; meaning the new body it might have…for Danny, I like to imagine him in his purple suit, and sun glasses to match, and a mind and body free of pain.
Leave it to little kids (Elias) to question your adult pat answers. “Mom, how come that angel, that decided not to follow God any more (Lucifer) gave us so much pain down on earth; how come we can’t just have heaven right now?
Sometimes the best answer is just to listen and allow the curiosity of your child (literal or your younger self) to be felt and heard. Just sitting with the parts of yourself (your humanity)…whatever they may be, however they may feel, in confusion or clarity…either way. God creates space for whatever parts arise. (Parts language coined from Dr. Richard Schwartz and his Internal Family Systems treatment modality).
Here is a movie clip, (Inside Out) for your viewing pleasure (its about 10 minutes long) depicting our parts, as emotions, and how they attempt to negotiate with each other inside of us, to help manage and protect us in the world.
(SIFTing with Self): To find some of my parts:
- Body S ensations: My side pain not explained, but having arrived after hearing the news of Danny’s death… I’ll write more on this later.
- I mages: I can picture Danny, in jeans, and a colorful shirt, but in his dress shoes. “Cool shoes Danny.” I mentioned. “Thanks” he replied, before walking with Joel to the coffee shop. Last time I saw him.
- F eelings: I feel so sad…I feel a sense of relief, because I believe he is struggling less… I feel frustrated and confused… why did he have to leave us, in order to find relief?
- T houghts: I have always admired Danny’s style. He could pull off pretty much anything, really!
When I turn inward, toward myself and imagine a living room of all my parts either sitting back, or standing up… taking turns either by offering a curious, listening ear towards the part talking or being the part courageously speaking up, while other parts are relaxed back intently listening…
It seems it creates an inner sense of connection with myself, and God, and it feels so peaceful, even while noticing pain… hearing their hopes and fears, while acknowledging the uniqueness and differences each part holds. The parts truly just wanting to be connected to “Self” (“Self” can also be described as soul, or a person’s essence and God in partnership).
“Pain throws your heart to the ground…”Lyrics from one of Danny’s songs playing in the back ground right now. God please pick our hearts up from the ground and hold them close.
As we walked in the arboretum, we realized it was 3pm and we hadn’t eaten since breakfast. It was getting hot, being in the middle of the day. I haven’t ever struggled with depression and anxiety as Danny did or some of my clients do, or other family members, for that matter.
The deep, severe, debilitating kind of immobilizing brain impacting kind of depression, anxiety, and sensory issues Danny struggled with. In that moment, trying to help my son Elias make sense of his brothers experience, I tried to describe that it might be like how we feel right now.
Uncomfortable, even while surrounded by so much beauty of the trees, flowers, birds, water of the 
arboretum. Enjoying the place, with our favorite people..but ready to go! Enter a cool place, with food, and a comfy chair to relieve ourselves from the discomfort. Unfortunately, sometimes with mental health symptoms at the biological, chemical level, its not so clear to know how to find the relief.
No one wants it to have to take a tragedy to mobilize healing…I’m hopeful this can be a spring board for me to spread more awareness on this matter, and do what I can to share resources that may help with this kind of suffering. I wish it was as easy as it is for some to find healing, but it isn’t!
Thankfully science is shedding more and more light on this, especially with the advancement of neuropsychology and brain scans, etc. What I would hope for all who are reading this is: Your depressed part can be seen. Your anxious part can be seen. They are parts of you, but not the essence of yourself. I bet it feels like these parts block yourself out at times, maybe a lot of the time! I have heard depressed and anxious or other emotional/mental health parts described enough to me to know how real and immobilizing they are…just as real as a broken bone, or other medical condition. I believe you! They are real and felt by you! I’m sorry for your pain. There is hope!
It’s in your subjective Mind’s awareness (thank you Dr. Daniel Siegel for this phrase and explanation of this concept), versus body (although, very likely felt in your body). So please speak up and tell us about them. You are not alone! What role is your depressed part playing in trying to protect you? What might your anxious part be fearful of if it speaks up? How do your parts want to connect you to others and at the same time may feel fearful of this emotional closeness? How might your parts want to help you learn and grow? What do they need to trust you more in order to relax back even a little bit, to create more space for you? Listen to these parts of yourself. Give them a hug. Find a safe person to express your felt sense of them.
Kelly McGonigal writes in The Upside of Stress:
[befriending the parts of yourself] “generates the biology of courage…finding hope in connecting. Her research actually shows [reaching out toward a loved one, or safe person] actually decreases activity in the amygdala, a part of the brain known to trigger fear and avoidance. (140).
The sense of being alone in our suffering is one of the biggest barriers to transforming stress and suffering. She gives the example of making the invisible visible. This is an exercise she uses in her groups. She asks everyone in the room to write down on a slip of paper something they have struggled with and that continues to affect them now, but that no one would know just looking at them.
After everyone writes something down she collects the slips and mixes them in a bag. She has everyone stand in a circle and pass the bag around. Each person pulls an anonymous slip out of the bag and reads it as if its his or her own.
She writes how profound this exercise is on many levels. First, because the slips are anonymous, it is impossible to know whose statement is whose. And without fail, the statement each person randomly draws seems as though it could truly be their own. Second, it makes visible so much of the suffering that was previously invisible. It was all already in the room, but because it was unspoken, it went unrecognized. In that invisibility, each persons individual suffering can feel isolating, but once it is named, it becomes a reminder of common humanity.” (168).
“Don’t take me to the tower, and take my child away…”more lyrics from another of Danny’s favorite songs. And so we finished our walk, through the arboretum, and headed to Danny’s favorite diner to have some lunch in his honor…By the way, the cinnamon rolls there are amazing!
As a grief and loss therapist, it’s quite another experience to be faced with grief and loss head on. Trying to feel normal again, and know what steps to walk to find a new normal can feel so unsteady…
~2017~
I pulled out my Zoe conference journal, from a year ago in 2017 and began to read this excerpt. I can hardly believe how God prepared me for this day… for what was ahead for us. In reading this, I am even more convinced how God speaks to us in the every day happenings of our life.
And the difference between man–made religion, and spirituality that is a felt sense of God in relationship, commuing with us… at church, in nature, with people connecting at a restaurant…work…home; meeting us where we are at, every–time!
I am reminded, again of the intentionality (one of my good friends Megan, has noted “intentionality”seems to be one of my life words) God uses with us, in sharing His awareness with us. Linking our minds/hearts/self to Himself…joining us in our walk on this earth, as our feet hit the ground. Leading us, hanging out with us, and even talking to us (audibly, written- word, felt-sense in body, knowing in mind, directly through someone else’s voice Ect.). No matter how He does it (usually unique to our own personal Love languages). I believe His love is always pursuing us, and His love for us wins every time as Rob Bell would say!
May 21, 2017 
Journal Entry:
I keep waking up early.. 3:30am, 4am, this morning it was 5am and thank
goodness for 5am today as it was “late” enough for Starbucks to be open so I could go get my quad espresso, because what else does one do to make it through a day on 5 hours of sleep.
Maybe 5 hours is a lot of sleep for some, but I am grateful most of the time I can get 8 hours of sleep. One of my favorite coffee baristas at Starbucks, Jenny kindly offered, “I hope you don’t have anything on your mind?”
It got me thinking about my current routine and life happenings, and how much our decision to sell our house, and move is impacting me! Coffee in hand, as I pulled back into my drive way at 5:40am, the house quiet, while all others still slept. What to do with this quiet? Take advantage of it, and go out into our back-yard, hot tub? I think, I will!
Our back yard currently is looking so park-like, all perfectly manicured, with the trees budding, and leafing out. I began reflecting on the women’s conference at my church, this past weekend, as I looked over at my crab apple tree, where my Robins nest had been (below is actual nest).
I was asking God, “How come I got to see the nest, baby mamma, and beautiful teal eggs (my favorite color, I might add) and then come out, one morning, to find my cat Vincent had ate them!”
My sweet niece Natalie asked me at her sister Mia’s birthday party last night (May 21st, 2017) about the eggs and if the babies had hatched yet? I told her what had happened and that Vincent had done what any cat would do, and made them his food. What a hard thing to have to say to a 4 year old. Our excitement and anticipation to meet the baby birds, now interrupted by sadness, at the reality of them being gone (Danny died May 21st, 2018).
Back in the hot tub this morning, I was thinking about Rita Springer (musician and speaker at my church’s women conference) talk of the dreams of the innocent. When she was a little girl she told us about planning her wedding, as any little girl does, dreaming of a flowing, white, glittery, flowery ceremony some day. Now she is 50 years old and her dream not yet realized.
She talked about how God links a desire and a promise together. How He sees straight into our skin, and right into our dreams. She talked about how when Jacob wrestled with the very angel Gabriel that came to Zachariah and Mary to announce the birth of John and Jesus. How Jacob was not going to let go, and in fact, once the wrestling ended, he left walking with a limp. How she continues to wrestle and cry and “just stay still,” sometimes walking with a “limp” in the waiting period.
I have been staying still for awhile now… waiting for my dream of having another baby. First, I had to trust that my body could make it through another pregnancy, as I was very ill with Elias. That took about 6 years to come to that bravery and then trust. So last summer (2016), Joel and I decided we would trust and try.
Secondly, my periods became very irregular. I began seeing a nutritionist to figure out hormonal issues, weight gain, heart burn, regular nausea, constant stuffy nose and re-occurring colds and strep throat over and over. I also saw an ear, nose, and throat specialist and allergy specialist over the last year and many things were ruled out, while I still suffered with my symptoms.
I was prayed for in January 2017, for my health issues, and finally began to feel better in my body, except my periods stopped all together.
So when Pastor Robin (one of our church’s worship leaders and also youth Pastor with her husband) felt led to pray for barren wombs of the ladies in the room, just as Elizabeth’s (John’s mom) womb had been barren. I decided to be brave and raise my hand for prayer.
No joke, at my next bathroom break my bleeding started. I was in disbelief really. Kind of like Mary, the mother of Jesus, as relayed to us through Luke’s writing in chapter 1:29. When Mary saw “Gabriel, she was greatly troubled and disturbed and confused at what he had said, and kept revolving in her mind what such a greeting might mean.” I feel so validated that I’m not the only one who struggles with moments of disbelief; Mary the mother of Jesus, God’s son had those kind of moments too!
My friends, Kaylee (Pastor’s wife) and Vanessa were at the conference with me, but also months previous had been diligent linking up with me, praying for my barrenness. I told them my cycle had returned to me! We got tears in our eyes in the knowing that this is a sign of a women ovulating.
I was having a little bit of a hard time believing it and Kaylee boldly stated, “I am believing for you.” Isn’t it just wonderful to have the connection of friendship… to stand in your corner with you and even sometimes for you, when you don’t know if you can do it yourself.
~2018~
Just like Rita, I have been in the waiting period for a baby. It’s been almost exactly a year since I wrote that above. I notice in my journal from May 19, 2017 that I wrote…
1. Be a foster mom
2. Adopt a baby
3. Have a baby of my own.
Then in caps I wrote: DREAM: Write and share about family legacy burdens, and all the components that comes with the burdens, and their legacy, impacts on a family.
So today, May 27, 2018, I am blessed to report I became a foster mom for Rachel, this April. When I was praying for a baby, I secretly hoped for a daughter. As a child, I named my baby dolls Rachel. I couldn’t have asked for a more kind, helpful, resilient, creative, and determined girl in Rachel (and her favorite color is teal too). An added bonus is she comes with a really big family of siblings, that we get to see periodically. So it kind of feels like adopting children too.
And as I look at my adopting children statement, I think of how God gave me step-sons when I married Joel, the love of my life. “Brothers from another mother,” as Elias likes to say.
“Danny…Oh, Danny. I’m going to miss you. We are all going to miss you!”
I know you, and your dad, would often talk about being on the “struggle bus.” I believe you are no longer on that…It’s feels like a mixture of relief and sadness thinking about you, in regards to this analogy. No longer on it, but wishing there could have been a different way for you to get off.
“Elias, so far little man, you are the baby, from my womb.”
I am so grateful and happy to be your mom. I know it doesn’t make sense that your cousins and friends are getting baby brothers and sisters all around you (Sweet cousin Aiden entered the world, just two days after Danny died), or that one of your brothers is no longer here, for you to engage and be friends with. No easy answers there, “Muncherton.” (Remember when your older brother’s jokingly stated how funny it would be if your nickname carried all the way to your adulthood. Elias professional office door: Elias “Muncherton”).
During Rita’s talk she shared one of her own prayers that feels fitting here:
“Remove the sting of what lost promises do to our hearts…please Father God breathe life back into us, and our dreams, even if they look different than we thought they would be.”
~2017~
May 21, 2017 journal entry continued…when I first discovered the robins nest it was by accident. I had walked over to my crab apple tree in full bloom looking at the gorgeous flowers and had noticed the nest stationed there.
My crab apple tree is still little, having just been planted last year, so I was talking to the mama bird about how brave she had been to create her nest in such a vulnerable place, albeit a beautiful, blooming tree. It did enter my mind that it might not be the safest place.
And as I had noted before, my worst fear was realized…the baby birds died. The beauty, the inspiration, the dream of one day seeing the babies… and watching them fly.
Believe it, or not, I found another birds nest. This one is more hidden. I actually haven’t seen the eggs yet, because it isn’t as accessible… but I can see the mama peering out as she sits, warming her babies. This Japanese maple, in the front yard, is much taller, and older and the leaves hide the nest more protectively. Vincent (the cat) has noticed it… I have watched him look. I sure hope he doesn’t figure out how to get to that nest.
It doesn’t really make sense why the others died, before they got to fly. Interestingly, I think about how they did live. But inside their beautiful, little teal eggs. Warmed by their mama, for a shorter time, than I had envisioned! Dying…so much earlier, than I had hoped.
I had thought about a ceremony of burial for them. I pictured Elias, Natalie, Joel and whoever else wanted to join carefully lifting the nest down out of the tree, digging a hole, laying a pretty cloth over their remains, saying some kind thoughts and expressing each of our own emotional stories, as we were impacted by this loss.
I saw us taking turns carefully moving dirt in over the nest and then picking just the right rock to mark the spot for future visiting and remembering. 
Maybe planting a perennial flower to bloom every year in its place.
Thank you Wendy for getting a white rose bush for us to remember Danny by in our current garden space. The rose bushes name is Cody, in honor of your son.
Sometimes I think we miss how tangible the Holy Spirits work is, in and through us, in the every day moments of our life. How we actually can walk in the garden, so to speak, (Garden=our life happenings) with God as literally as Adam and Eve did, in the garden of Eden.
~2018~
Patty Moreno was one of the main speakers for the Zoe women’s conference I attended this year in 2018 and she talked about how we just need to eat the frog!
WHAT, you may say, where did that come from and how does that pertain. As I had mentioned earlier, my early morning wakings were due to the stress of preparing my home for sale to move.
The home, Joel and I had purchased, just 3 years previous and then God spoke to us, through numerous occasions to “let it go” and we listened and our house sold in days.
Before we listed it, I asked God if it was possible for me to be reassured that I would get to have as beautiful of a neighborhood, as this house was, near the river, with as great of neighbors, as we would be leaving.
He said, “just trust me. It’s not for you to know yet, but I know your dreams! I’ve got you.” Patty’s message about eating the frog has to do with participating in life right now, just as it is, carving out time for your best things. Not just looking at it as daunting, and unattainable! Eating it. Jumping in. It might be rough, but its much better than letting time pass and watching it “hop” away from you (that pun cracks me up every time I read it, in my editing process).
As she talked, I realized God was reminding me of His call for me to write. It also was so confirming as she used many analogies of digging, and planting and creating. Because unbeknownst to Joel and I, two houses down from us, an acre lot of trees, bushes and flowers property would come up for sale, and we would be free and in the clear to bid on the property, and buy it.
This wasn’t just any neighborhood, no, it was/is the same neighborhood we loved and had just sold our house from, only now we could build our dream house, and have a park-like back yard, with a river view.
I call it my secret garden now; Its where I am sitting right now writing. The fruition of one of my visions in selling my house. Having 
a creative place to facilitate inspiration for writing.
I ate the frog…or rather jumped out in complete faith listening to God’s call on my life and watched as He did a miracle in my midst. I still can’t believe it really; truly that I get to live in such a beautiful place like this as my home.
In the break away session, Patty asked if anyone wanted to share about God’s speaking to them, and the frogs He was asking them to eat. I was so nervous, but I raised my hand and spoke the story above about attaining our dream property.
Most of my life, I have noticed when I speak to a group of people about the inspiration, I am feeling in myself…I leave feeling embarrassed… like I didn’t communicate it correctly, or clearly enough. But I reminded myself of my gifting to write, and reassured myself of my attempt to speak my truth too. I believe God gives us all giftings, and for the spaces we don’t feel come easily for us, there is much grace!
A couple of weeks, after the conference…Jamie, a friend from church, mentioned she had heard me share at the break-away session. This was news to me…1. I didn’t even see her in the room. 2. In general, I had felt as if my words hadn’t resonated with anyone! Thank you Jamie for speaking up and letting me know you had heard me, and how my story encouraged and blessed you!
I encourage you right back, in your own creativity and God-given talents. You inspire me too! Jamie is the artist who decorates our church sanctuary and lobby for the women’s conferences. She creates an atmosphere of elegance and class, incorporating nature throughout: Being around her creations, feels like being transported to God’s heart. She brings His beauty, love, warmth and connection…towards you in her designs.
She recently (November 2018) created this acrylic on canvas for a local women’s event, put on by our friend Faith, at Philocaly:(n) love of beauty.
Jamie writes, “She is messy, unfinished, and still has space to grow. But her tear stained face is crowned, with the beauty she’s choosing to create.”
~Jamie Adams
”When I was rebuilding myself, I collected all of the broken flowers and turned them into something very beautiful…I have bloomed and flowered a thousand times in this lifetime.” ~April Green.
Pastor Miel (another of our life church pastors) talked about surrendering your big but (pun intended). LOL. She talked about how we look at ourselves in the mirror, and may get distracted by the worlds view of us, and then internalize this. She reminded us of the importance of working to continually turn our minds to…
What God says over us “how we were fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalms 139:14)
I realize our culture has taught us to shame ourselves (Dr. Brene Brown has research on this and the power of vulnerability) especially in our bodies…I have learned how to really notice my body as the vehicle for my soul, the essence of myself, and release the criticism of the comparisons, over and over and over again (many times over as my humanity can get triggered, back to the criticizing).
I really appreciated Miel’s literal take on this, as she had someone come up and smash a mirror. She talked about keeping our eyes inward, toward our God given talents and abilities, and entrusting God with the rest. She talked about the vision of a prism, and light reflecting off of it, and how it creates color.
I love how she related each of us in our bodies as that. If we allow God’s light to shine off of us, “what colors of ourself can radiate out, that have never been seen before, or never been done before, because of our uniqueness radiating, from within, to out.”
God is so creative working in and through us. Connecting us to Himself, ourselves, and then to others; all in the unique ways He meant for each of us!
~2017~
Back to the processing’s of the baby birds…The steps toward understanding our walk with God, and how He desires to be linked with us, in our human experiences (our emotions, physical senses, thoughts, and spiritual components of ourselves).
All important, not better or worse than the other, just different! The sorting. In life is death…Ecclesiastes 3:1, “to everything there is a season and a time for every matter or purpose underneath. A time to be born and a time to die”…I was picturing the baby birds being born when they hatched out of the eggs, but they were born in the egg.
I got to see their life as God meant for it to be, and because it was different than I expected… I had wanted to see them outside of their shells; alive…It took my breath…away, I never would see them fly on this earth…
But are they flying… just in another way/space/existence?
This is getting complicated…so are the baby birds still alive? Yet the vehicle for their bodies, no longer needed, here and now. V. 4 a “time to weep and a time to mourn.” V. 6 “a time to get and a time to lose” V. 8 “a time to laugh and a time to love.”
Little mama in the front yard tree, looking out at me. Bright eyed! Warming her little eggs. Their time to live, in their bodies, on this earth, still here. Hopefully, they will have a chance to fly! Neither one better or worse. Just so very different, and important to process…to attempt to make sense of.
So, because I was out cleaning up the yard, with an agenda…
(getting the house ready for a sale). I carefully took the nest out of the tree, and placed it in the black, yard, clippings bag, tied it up, lugged it across the yard, to the garbage-can, where it was taken away on garbage day.
I was not wrong in doing this… versus having a ceremony! I just wish now, I had reminded myself that I do matter, how things impact me matters. I can set my agenda, and life managing parts aside at times, and take care of other roles; like grieving my losses, naming my emotions, unburdening beliefs, that are no longer serving me well.
Balloon release, for Danny’s ash spreading service.
~2018~
I can learn how to have more freedom, in myself, and dance (research is finding movement, is one of the best ways, to calm down our emotion-centered part of our brain, and get back into pre-frontal cortex, where we have more of a sense of self-awareness, and being safe). Try it! Turn up the music! Move to the flow of the music, and ride the waves in your life, both literally and figuratively (your pick).
Joanne Portmann (2017 Women’s conference Speaker) told us how she got down on her hands and knees in Israel, when she realized she was on the ground, that Jesus had walked on. She kissed it, not caring about anything else, but the gratitude of her soul, and what Jesus feet in our world meant to her, and thanking Him for caring that much for her… to come that close to her!
God gave me, my Robins nest, the eggs my favorite color, vulnerable as they were, but close enough for me to see. V. 3 “A time to kill and a time to heal, a time to break down, and a time to build back up.”
Welcome, to the world baby birds, still nesting under your mama, here on this earth, in Japanese maple. Goodbye, baby crab apple tree birds, who now fly, in the sky, with your Maker… in another place, space of time, I don’t quite understand… but I have faith, I will understand more fully someday.
May you find rest…and beauty… and no pain… in this place! I blow a kiss of sweetness your way…into the wind…to be carried to the sky. May your new wings fly… Good–bye for now… Danny…
Danny, your dad is quoted as saying, “I like my tears to stay whole and roll down my face, so its easier for God to collect them and that way He doesn’t have to wring them out of a tissue.” We like to think of God collecting them in bottles (Psalms 56:8) all marked specifically for each emotional experience we may have. We are glad God has a BIG one for you, carefully inscribed…
“Our tears for Danny…a completely… fully-loved…and never forgotten son!”
